


at least i got you in my head

by eatthatup



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, M/M, Slow Burn, Suh Youngho | Johnny is Whipped, oblivious ten, one-sided pinning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:53:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22901992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eatthatup/pseuds/eatthatup
Summary: So Johnny’s heart shatters.It wounds him, deep to his core. He feels it breaking, falling into pieces down to the depths of his body, aching like the first time he fell off his bike and hurt his knee. Johnny feels his stomach churning, and doesn't question it, no. He never does.It's always Ten.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 11
Kudos: 245





	at least i got you in my head

**Author's Note:**

> this is a commission for lisa <3 @younghosus thank you sosos much for trusting me and supporting me! i hope you enjoy this pinning johnny you wanted and i hope it met your expectations
> 
> [if you want to commission me all the info is here!!!](https://twitter.com/ten__wv/status/1241880594625200128?s=21)

The first time Johnny got his heart broken was at the age of seventeen.

It wasn't a girl rejecting him, or his partner breaking up with him, cheating on him. It was Ten.

Ten, as divine as always, greeting his first boyfriend with a kiss on the lips at the school entrance. Glowing, red cheeks, glistening eyes. Everything Johnny has always wanted, yearned for. It happens right in front of his eyes.

So Johnny’s heart shatters.

It wounds him, deep to his core. He feels it breaking, falling in pieces down to the depths of his body, aching like the first time he fell off his bike and hurt his knee. Johnny feels his stomach churning, and doesn't question it, no. He never does.

It's always Ten.

-

Since they were little, Ten has always been a constant in his life.

The neighbors’ kid to play with, his friend to spend time with, his classmate to study with and his soulmate to cry with (and because of, too). Ten has been there his entire life, so Johnny saw it coming. Saw what then would become, and develop into, a crush. Love. 

At the age of sixteen, Ten told him he liked a guy.

“I think I’m in love,” he had said, all dreamy, cuddling Johnny’s favorite pillow. 

“In love? With _who_?” 

At that time, Johnny hadn’t considered the option of love. For him, love is such a deep and strong feeling, only a few people get to experience it from him. And, he guesses, crushes are only ephemeral, a short-lived sentiment that’s meant to keep teenagers busy. But Ten has always been rather _intense_. 

“Daewon,” he replied, with such a sweet voice Johnny started wondering how _cool_ or beautiful this person was, “he’s the love of my life.”

“Oh, he’s a guy?” Johnny had asked. His insides felt mushy, and his heart started beating just a tad faster, yet he refrained from scaring Ten away. 

“Yeah,” he had confirmed hesitantly, and then smiled once he saw Johnny’s lips curving.

“I’m glad,” Johnny said, he really was, it was never a lie. Johnny never told lies. “Why love, though?”

“I don’t know, he makes me happy, but I don’t think he realizes I like him,” Ten explained with a sarcastic laugh at the end, and then shook his head. “Whatever, I’ll get over him soon.”

“You just told me you _love_ him,” Johnny pointed out, confused. 

“Yeah, but it's not that deep,” with a dismissive tone, he replied, quickly disregarding the matter. How much indifference Ten showed to such an important feeling like love is, made Johnny's heart ache. 

He was sure, back then, that the weight on his chest was because of disagreeing with Ten and having different opinions with his best friend.

So sure, he convinced himself of it each time Ten mentioned him. 

It, somehow, became a routine of sorts. Ten liking somebody new, falling in and out of love, all in the blink of an eye. 

“Do you wanna come over?” Johnny asked over the phone, speaker on so he coulc continue making popcorn. There was ruffling and then Ten’s sleepy voice. 

“I can't today,” he said. Johnny admired how he still sounded sweet, like honey, even with a dry throat. “I have a date.”

“Oh,” there's a sharp pain that runs up his spine and finally reaches his heart, “then have fun.”

“I will!”

Johnny watched a movie by himself that night, imagining Ten beside him. Laughing, giggling, chuckling, until his cheeks were shining a deep red color and his eyes glistened. His thoughts began wandering, and the Ten inside his head quickly turned into gold. A dazzling, eye-opening gold. He lied on his bed and smiled, eyes turning into crescents. Johnny had watched, mouth wide open, as Ten closed his eyes and dozed off.

In a bed full of roses, dripping gold, Johnny then realized his feelings differ more than a bit from what a best friend is.

That night, Johnny became aware of Ten’s addicting aura. And fell in deep.

-

Falling doesn't always mean landing safely. Or landing at all.

It's a journey, falling in love. Johnny realizes years later when his heart still beats faster whenever his fingers accidentally brush Ten’s back, when they cuddle in bed and Johnny can't help but become addicted to the softness and smell of his hair. (It's from an apple-scented shampoo which Johnny could name brand of easily). Each time his heart aches, Johnny notices he just falls in deeper. There's no end, seemingly.

“So,” Ten begins, “how do I look?” 

Johnny would say he looks stunning, charming, alluring, so _pretty_ it _hurts_. However, those words remain on the tip of his tongue, and then get replaced.

“Great,” he says. Ten’s outfit is more than great, more than beautiful, it's breathtaking and it looks _glamorous_ on him. There's an infinite list of adjectives to describe him, Johnny's been noting them down for the past few years. 

“I need to look more than _great_ ,” he murmurs searching through his wardrobe. And God, Johnny wants to scream. Wants to yell at him that no matter what's on his body he will look incredible. 

“You do!” Johnny exclaims, and it comes out a little breathless. “You look great in everything.”

“Thanks,” with a kiss on his forehead, Ten says, and leaves to the bathroom attached to his room. He leaves a red-faced Johnny, staring blankly at the wall, at a loss of words. The ghost of his lips haunt Johnny until he goes to sleep that night.

It's an everyday thing. A routine. Each day, Johnny jumps blindly from an airplane and experiences the adrenaline of not knowing where he will land.

Ten is the earth, the sky, and the stars. 

-

Like a plant that gradually grows, Johnny’s thoughts do too.

His mind wanders. His imagination becomes a vine that wraps around him and doesn't let him even _think_ straight. 

No matter how hard he tries to hide it, there's always something about his facade giving it away. And the first person to realize is Kun. Kun, a quiet and somewhat shy person, is the one to pay enough attention and ask the question perhaps he should be asking to himself.

“What's with you and Ten?”

They're resting on the fresh and artificial-looking grass on campus, hands stained a bright green, yet as they're too tired to move, both Doyoung and Kun choose to stay. The moment Kun drops the bomb, though, Doyoung had casually left to look for Jungwoo somewhere. And, alone, it weighs the most.

Johnny hates that at the age of twenty, it hurts just as much as when he was seventeen.

“Nothing… why?” 

He's careful, now. With his words and reactions.

“You've been weird around him, lately,” he explains, “actually, Doyoung noticed first, but he didn't want to make you panic.” 

“Why would I panic?” Says Johnny in a panicked tone.

“Because you are!” Kun exclaims, gesturing at his pale face and wide eyes. “Did you see a ghost or had a fight with Ten?”

Johnny wishes it was a fight. He wishes it was simply a teenage brawl about insignificant matters like a school project, a dance, a crush.

It's about love, this time. About falling in love with his best friend.

“We don't fight,” Johnny attempts to explain, “I—he's just busy.”

“Ohh, you're jealous!”

Johnny's heart stops.

“Jaehyun stole your best friend, huh,” Kun continues, “don't worry! Boyfriends come and go, he will be back soon.”

Once Johnny manages to breathe evenly, he nods, pretending to be hurt by his best friend not spending time with him. The thing that hurts the most, actually, is wishing Ten would ever look at him like he looks at Jaehyun, the same way they stay up at night and watch the sky on the rooftop—with curious and loving eyes. Johnny longs for such intimacy, for Ten to kiss him, touch him, more than a friend, more than a _best_ friend.

Jaehyun laughs in the distance. Johnny doesn’t hear it, but sees it, how he throws his head back at what Ten is saying and then leans closer to him, teasingly. He watches, observes, and swallows the lump in his throat. Like knives, they go down his throat leaving small cuts, marks. Johnny looks away once Ten puts his head on Jaehyun’s shoulder, and ignores Kun’s puzzled expression when he notices the tears in his eyes. 

Doyoung comes back and seems to only rub more salt on the wound. 

“Ten’s been so disgustingly lovey-dovey with Jaehyun lately,” he comments, “it’s gross.” 

Kun hits his shoulder lightly. “Let them be, Ten looks happy.”

It hurts, to not be able to make Ten happy the way others do. To be a simple supporting role in his life, to be the shoulder he cries on when he gets his heart broken, as if Johnny’s isn’t constantly shattering into tiny pieces. 

The idea that maybe he’s not enough for him starts to grow. Johnny allows it. 

-

When Ten turned eighteen, he threw a big, crowded party. 

Parties became Johnny’s enemy as time went by, only because he focused on taking care of Ten instead of enjoying himself, rejecting every girl who approached him with alluring eyes and mischievous smiles. And the worst is, Johnny chose to be that person. He willingly chose to say by Ten’s side, to help him, to watch him. To protect him from boys who only wanted to take advantage of him. 

And still, Johnny yearned to be one of them. At least once. One time. (He got to that point, of wanting to be used just to feel something—to experience the touch of Ten’s lips on his, to hold his waist in a different way, to gaze at him with pure adoration and receive the same look back. Just once). 

“What?” Ten had yelled over the music, getting extremely close to Johnny, his breath ghosted over Johnny’s skin and goosebumps arose in the blink of an eye. “I can’t hear you.”

“I said,” he got close, too, their heads inches apart, “do you need help?”

“Oh, no, don’t worry,” the moment Ten leaned back again, Johnny’s heart started beating again, “I have this under control.”

Of course, Ten’s definition of control meant people not burning his house down or clogging his bathroom, which Johnny carefully watched over. But drunken groups vomiting on his backyard and kitchen sink were something Ten clearly didn’t pay much attention to. And so Johnny took care of it as he saw Ten walk past the kitchen, a boy hanging from his arm. 

Johnny lost count of the amount of times he experienced a heartbreak. But it’s continuous, a cycle, he should be used to it by now. To the winded feeling of his heart, now made of glass, bursting apart. Every piece of glass stabbing his insides, his chest, throat, eyes. Like small needles. Yet he isn’t, he cries, he laments not being able to get over him, and the next day replies to his messages eagerly as always. 

“Did you have fun, at least?” He had asked, not really curious, but attempting to get some information out of him. It would only worsen the redness around his eyes, and the beat of his heart would skyrocket, but Johnny’s unconscious mind was (and is, to this day) a nosy one. 

“Oh, I did,” Ten smiled to himself, and Johnny stared sadly at the pillow he always cuddles. “Did you? Sorry, I kinda just—left you all alone.”

Johnny wanted to tell him he’s been alone his entire life. 

“Nah, it’s okay, as long as you had fun. It was your birthday party, after all.”

 _It’s not okay_ , he had wanted to scream. It’s not fun, not alright. Johnny cursed himself for still wanting to know if Ten had hooked up with anyone or not. He cursed himself for being a masochist, basically.

“I kinda, well—hooked up with a guy and now we’re texting and stuff,” he confessed. Johnny felt his chest already in pain. “I think I really like him.”

“Really?” It came out a bit more high-pitched than normal, but acting was never one of Johnny’s best qualities. (Now, it is. He’s an actor, graduated and all. He plays a role every day). “That’s amazing.”

The fake smile he gave him that day is one of the many instances Johnny pinpoints as essential to understand how he became the person he is today. An innocent liar, an experienced actor. 

A best friend. 

-

“You’re my best friend, right?” Ten asks, holding onto his arms as he pouts. Johnny only pulls away so Ten doesn’t notice his heart beating faster. 

“Yeah, kind of,” he jokes. Johnny has to, or else he’d go insane. “Just kidding.”

“Asshole,” after he rolls his eyes, Ten continues, “I need your help with a gift.”

“A gift?”

“Yeah, for Jaehyun’s birthday.”

“Ohh,” he nods, smiles, makes a pensive face. All in the span of one second, in the same second his heart crumples like a piece of paper. “I don’t know, something Valentine’s Day related?”

Ten looks up and seemingly thinks for a moment, finally coming to a realization. “Right! It’s Valentine’s Day!”

For a moment, Johnny ponders what it’d be like. What it’d feel like to spend a special day with the person you adore the most in the world, to caress and praise that person, to smile and laugh together. What he would give to have Ten with him, experiencing such intimate bond. 

There was one day, one year, he nearly got to.

One of the many times Ten was heartbroken (Johnny wouldn’t call it heartbroken, even though Ten cries and laments it, the bond he had with whoever broke his heart, is nothing compared to what they both have, and they’re _friends_ ), sad because some guy decided to dump him on Valentine’s day. They spent the day on bed, with Ten’s head on his shoulder, hair tickling his chin, a movie on his laptop. As tears quickly dried up and the day went by, Ten blinked up at him and smiled.

“You’re the best,” he had said. Now, the feeling Ten must have felt before is truly incomparable with the way Johnny’s heart just sank. It plummeted down his body, it vanished, leaving an empty space inside his chest. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me,” Johnny replied, a bit choked up, and then attempted to push Ten away from his chest so he wouldn’t _hear_ how it was about to burst open. “This is what friends are for.”

He knew he dug his own grave. 

“You are,” Ten said, “you’re my _bestest_ friend.” 

It’s constantly pushing and pulling. He’s aware that his chances with Ten are non-existent, a void, so he’s the first to call him friend, best friend, soulmate. A void to avoid. He feels like every day, every week, every month that goes by is wearing him off, is hurting his heart so deeply he’ll never manage to fix it, go back to normal. But he keeps pushing.

Keeps on and on. 

“You’re the best,” Ten pats his head and flees. Johnny simply keeps on. 

-

Even though he knows one day it’ll snap, Johnny keeps on pushing. 

Now Doyoung is on his tail, close behind him, paying careful attention. Johnny knows how this works, Kun already doubts him, and Doyoung is more perceptive, and it’s a chain reaction until ultimately Ten finds out and never speaks to him again. This scenario has been played more than a thousand times inside Johnny’s head. It’s not supposed to happen, ever, at all. 

Ten will always remain as his best friend, but there are certain aspects of life one can’t control. 

Jaehyun is whispering something in Ten’s ear which makes him blush and giggle, a soft pink starting from his neck until it reaches his cheeks. Johnny simply watches, unfazed, although his insides are falling apart. So used to not being enough, not being looked at the same, having his feelings hurt, Johnny has now built a wall that prevents him from showing his real emotions.

Jealousy, envy, sadness, anger. They all mix and vary. No one is supposed to know. 

“Why are you watching them?” Asks Doyoung, suddenly sitting down beside him. 

“Who?”

“Jaehyun and Ten, right there,” he points, they kiss, and Johnny swallows the painful and familiar lump in his throat. “Why are you jealous?”

Doyoung is so _perspicacious_.

“Jealous? Of who?” he panics, and tries so hard to calm down it almost looks like he’s angry, “I already heard this from Kun.”

“Oh, no,” Doyoung says, smiling, “I meant jealous of their relationship, their _thing_.”

Pretending to be confused, Johnny frowns and shakes his head in disbelief. How could someone ever think he’s in love with his best friend and watches every day as someone who’s not him touches him, kisses him, holds him. How could Doyoung even _assume_ that.

“What are you talking about?” Johnny asks, puzzled expression ready on his face. 

“C’mon, hyung,” whenever it gets serious, or deep, Doyoung calls him _hyung_ , knowing well that’s a weakness. “Don’t play dumb with me.”

And Doyoung is so clever, he just sits there and observes as Johnny’s eyebrows fall and he sighs. In the background, Jaehyun hugs Ten’s waist and kisses him. 

“I’m not playing dumb,” Johnny murmurs, nearly pouting, feeling his stomach dropping slowly. “What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t want you to _say_ anything,” he now replies in a soothing voice, placing a hand on his shoulder, “but don’t push your friends aside, hyung.” 

“I—”

“You can trust me, and Kun, with anything you want to tell us,” Doyoung interrupts his prepared speech, “don’t be scared.”

In reality, he’s not truly scared. He’s ashamed, and only afraid of the uncertain future, scared of consequences. But as long as he sticks to his plan (don’t tell anyone, don’t tell him, don’t show it, _do not_ ), then it’ll be fine. They are all going to be fine. 

Yet, it’s already crumbling down. 

“I know what you’re assuming,” Johnny starts, “but you’re wrong. It’s nothing like that. And I tell you guys everything.”

“Okay,” Doyoung nods. “I’ll see you at lunch.”

It’s easy, alone, to let a single tear fall. He allows it, for now. 

(Ten giggles in the background. Another one rolls down his cheek). 

-

Johnny is the bestest. He surely is.

Because Jaehyun breaks up with Ten a week after Valentine’s Day and it's him who takes cares of a wounded, crying Ten. He lends him his shoulder to cry on, his pillow to cuddle, his laptop to watch _Netflix_ all night long. Johnny will always be there. And Ten is aware of that.

“Thank you,” he whispers at night, when the sky is a dark shade of navy blue, and the moonlight shines on Ten’s face framing it perfectly. Sometimes Johnny doubts if Ten is even real. “For always being here for me.”

With a smile, Johnny makes a dismissive gesture, “it's nothing. You know I'm always here. I just want you to be happy.”

Not only happy, but satisfied, comfortable, at home. Johnny wants the best for Ten and more, and it hurts when, romantically, he can't give it to him. 

“But you worry too much,” Ten pouts, leans in. Johnny's heart stops beating entirely. “You barely tell me about your love life and I’m here, crying, third time this year, because some asshole broke my heart.”

No matter how hard Johnny attempts to breathe evenly, it's nearly impossible, with Ten’s nose close to his, lips inches away, illuminated by the only natural light that comes from outside the window. He notices, too, the curtains dancing with the wind—a slow and soothing movement. It sends a shiver down his spine. 

“I want to be there for you when you're heartbroken, hyung.”

Johnny doesn't know how to tell him, how to explain that he's the culprit, Ten is the heartbreaker, the one that turns Johnny into a fragile mess. Once again, he trembles (whether it's from the wide-open window or Ten, he doesn't know). 

So, Ten and his beautiful soul, opens his arms for Johnny to slot into his warm embrace. It's a conscious choice he makes, to be in Ten’s secure grip. He can hear his heart beating, evenly, not erratic, healthy, and most importantly—full of love. 

Johnny falls asleep like that, and wakes up to an empty bed that reminds him of his worst nightmares. He's cold, the window is open, and Ten is gone.

His heart is so tired it doesn't even hurt.

-

Dark circles under his eyes are a constant now.

Whenever Ten asks him, worried, Johnny lies and blames it on the stress of his upcoming finals. He lies, it's a start. Because Johnny doesn't lie, he can deviate the conversation, change a topic, but never lie. Yet, lately, all he's done is lie. Lie after lie.

It's obviously his fault when at night guilt keeps him awake. 

“Have you not slept in the past week or what?” 

Doyoung scrutinizes his profile, focusing on his pale face and rings around his eyes. Kun stares at him and gives him a gentle and supportive smile, waiting for an answer too. 

“I’m just stressed,” Johnny says. Lies. He's not an actor anymore. He's straight up a liar. “Stop worrying so much.”

“You seem to be going through something, so of course we're gonna worry,” Doyoung says, “I told you we're here. We're not gonna judge you.”

“Stop, there's nothing I need to tell you guys.”

He gulps. Doyoung shakes his head.

Suddenly, Ten appears from behind him, greeting the rest and sitting by his side. Both Kun and Doyoung stare expectantly for Johnny's reaction, any clue that could give it away. But Johnny is so used to it, he smiles at Ten and hides the stars that appear in his eyes, the pink on his cheeks.

“What were you guys talking about?” He asks, grinning, indents on his face, crinkly eyes. It hurts. 

“About Johnny’s—”

“About how you’re forgetting about your best friend’s existence,” Johnny interrupts Doyoung, sending a glare his way. Ten doesn’t notice, doesn’t react, he’s probably still thinking about Jaehyun, about his touch and smile, how he misses him. It makes him sick to his stomach. 

“Am not! Shut up,” he playfully punches his shoulder and Johnny acts hurt (it’s not acting if he’s actually hurt, really). Ten doesn’t care. “I text you every day.”

“That’s true, you _triple text,_ ” Johnny quips. 

Kun and Doyoung just watch. 

“Shut up.”

Johnny wishes he could reply wittily, teasingly, ‘ _Make me_ ’ and seal it with a kiss. But it remains in his imagination, part of one of the many scenarios Johnny has thought about before and now are like a movie he replays every night inside his head, a lullaby. 

Kun asks Ten about one of his classes, and they chat while Johnny gazes silently at the way Ten moves his hands as he talks, how his lips curve, how his hair is a little messy, a few strands standing up at the back—and Doyoung shakes his head at him, entirely aware of the loving eyes Johnny has tried to hide his entire life. 

At night, it’s hard to control his mind. 

There’s nothing to distract himself with, it’s only him and his brain alone. Thoughts start wandering, scenarios begin forming, and Johnny lays in bed with tears in his eyes because he will never be enough. Because, to Ten, he’s only the _bestest_ friend he could ever have. And the more Johnny hears it, the more it hurts. A simple best friend, who will never be viewed as a partner, a soulmate, a _boyfriend_. Johnny wants to hold his hand and kiss him until they’re gasping for air. That’s not a friend. 

And he feels so _dirty_ , once sleep finally comes and Johnny dozes off, his last thought is that he doesn’t even deserve Ten as a friend. 

-

  
  


**Ten  
** _i need your help_

 **Johnny  
** _Hey  
_ _With?_

 **Ten  
** _jaehyun wants to get back together_ _  
_ _and i don’t really trust him_ _  
_ _i think he cheated on me_

**Johnny**  
_What???_

**Ten**  
_i didn’t tell you but i kinda suspected it_ _  
_ _and he broke up with me probs bc of this new person_

 **Johnny  
** _What an asshole_

 _He deserves the world_ , Johnny thinks. Ten deserves better, deserves a stable relationship, deserves constant praise and love. And Johnny doesn’t even consider himself as an option. Ten just deserves to be happy. 

**Johnny  
** _Maybe meet up and talk about it_ _  
_ _What if you’re just assuming and he never cheated or something_

 **Ten  
** _you think so?_

 **Johnny  
** _Yeah… it’s always better to talk  
_ _Tell the truth_

 **Ten  
** _hm  
_ _okay  
_ _can you come over tonight tho?_

 **Johnny  
** _Of course!!_

So he continuously sabotages himself. It’s no surprise, Johnny’s been doing it since the beginning. Since the first thought appeared, since that seed that got planted in his brain grew into the feelings Johnny carries around today. A vine that wraps around the entirety of his body, and it’s devoted to Ten only. Johnny never saw a chance.

Never considered the possibility of being an option inside Ten’s mind. 

It’s not usual for Johnny to cry, not at his big age. At first he did, every single night. Cried quietly until there were no more tears and they dried up on his cheeks, exhausted. Now, though, Johnny feels trapped. As if things are moving too fast, happening too soon, and he can’t control them. Can’t control what Doyoung is thinking, what Doyoung will say or do, what Kun assumes, what he talks to Ten about. Johnny feels powerless and tears begin streaming down his face before he can stop them. He cries, anguished, loudly, lets them fall like an open faucet, unstoppable. The are tears on his pillow, his eyelashes, his chin. There is a tear in his heart.

An open tear that Johnny can’t close no matter what he does. 

**Ten**  
_you were right_

It opens with every word. And it hurts more every time. 

**Johnny**  
_So?_

**Ten**  
_he never cheated but i don’t think we’re getting back together_ _  
_ _he asked me out tho like. a date or smth_ _  
_ _tonight_

 **Johnny  
** _That’s great_ _  
_ _Be careful though_

**Ten**  
_but i’m coming over to yout place_

**Johnny  
** _Why?_

 **Ten  
** _bc i told you i was going over tonight_

 **Johnny  
** _Don’t worry Ten really  
_ _I’m sure you’re anxious about the Jaehyun thing and wanna fix it ASAP_

 **Ten  
** _kinda but he can wait_

 **Johnny  
** _I can also wait_

 _I’ve been waiting my whole life_ , Johnny wants to write. Waiting and waiting. It’s all he does. 

**Ten**  
_you sure?_

**Johnny**  
_Yeah_ _  
_ _Keep me updated_

**Ten**  
_you’re acting weird……._

Johnny freezes.

 **Johnny  
** _???_

 **Ten**  
_you’re avoiding me….. or smth_ _  
_ _we need to talk mr_

 **Johnny  
** _Ok ok  
_ _Just go_

 **Ten  
** _ily_

It’s such a punch to his stomach, Johnny doesn’t even reply. He just looks around for tissues and allows himself to cry some more. He deserves to cry, after all. To let it out, to suffer. Because he’s lying to his best friend, he’s in love with his best friend, and he’s avoiding his best friend. 

Is that _even_ friendship? 

Johnny goes to sleep with red eyes and a heavy heart. 

-

He knew it’s been building up.

Whether it was lying, or evading certain situations, Johnny felt a weight on his shoulders that wasn’t there before, a shadow, a dreary presence. And after so much pushing and pulling, it finally snaps. 

“We need to talk,” Doyoung says, serious. 

“About?”

Johnny doesn’t look at him because he knows it’ll only worsen the anxiety he’s already experiencing. 

“About Ten,” he replies with a flat tone, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world, “don’t play dumb. I’m here to help you.”

Except Johnny doesn’t need help, he’s already doomed, already in too deep, and his downfall is meant to happen at any moment. He just never expected it to happen _now_. 

“Stop saying I’m playing dumb,” Johnny grumbles, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Doyoung simply stands up and gestures for him to follow, walking determined towards one of the secluded areas of campus, near the Dance Department. Johnny fears for his life. 

“You have feelings for him,” Doyoung states, making Johnny jump and cover his mouth.

“Ten could be here, are you _crazy_?”

“I brought you here because I know he’s waiting for a certain someone at the Health Science Department,” pushing Johnny’s hand away, he explains. “So now, care to explain what’s going on with you two?” 

“There’s nothing going on,” Johnny says, heart beating wildly. “We’re—friends.”

“But you like him,” Doyoung insists. 

It’s so heavy, so tedious, Johnny just wants it out so he can finally breathe. 

“I _love_ him,” he confesses, and his lungs fill with pure air, “I’m in love with him.”

Doyoung stares, speechless for a bit. “Wow, okay.”

“You don’t have to say anything, I—”

“For how _long_?” 

“You don’t want to know,” Johnny replies, sighing. Doyoung places a hand on his shoulder, which Johnny guesses it’s his way of being supportive, and looks deeply into his eyes.

“We’re always here for you,” he begins, “don’t keep this stuff to yourself. I can see how hurt you are.”

“I’m used to it,” Johnny dismisses it. 

“That’s worse,” Doyoung says, “you can’t be _used_ to feeling sad.”

“He will never see me the same way,” Johnny explains, “he doesn’t like me back, and that’s it. I’m just a crybaby.”

Doyoung nods, understanding. “You’re not a crybaby, we’ve all experienced heartbreak.”

“You don’t even have a heart,” Johnny jokes.

“Sadly, I do,” he says, chuckling. 

Now, Johnny feels lighter. When he breathes, his lungs fill completely, and on his shoulders, he only carries the burden of hiding from his best friend. It’s not as heavy anymore. So he allows himself to smile.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me,” smiling back, Doyoung says. 

Johnny is glad that, this time, such a build-up didn’t have a drastic fall. 

-

  
  


Sometimes a mishap doesn’t have serious consequences. 

A drastic change, a fall. Sometimes it’s just a mistake and it gets resolved easily, quickly. Johnny guesses, if it were to happen, he’d have a backup plan. And he does. But as life is full of surprises, what Johnny thought was just an accident (Doyoung finding out), became a blind fall that he hadn’t thought of before. 

Ten doesn’t reply to his messages that night.

 **Johnny**  
_We can hang out maybe tomorrow?  
_ _I’m just busy and stressed with finals  
_ _Ten? already asleep? lol  
_ _Good night_

He goes to sleep with his heart stuck in his throat, afraid of what that cybernetic silence meant. But he tries, hard, not to panic. He wakes up, checks his phone, and Ten saw them. Ten opened his chat and then closed it, ignoring him, ignoring what he had to say. Johnny doesn’t panic, no, he messages Doyoung and waits, patiently. 

**Johnny**  
_Did you tell him?  
_ _Tell me the truth_ _  
_ _Did you talk to him?_

 **Doyoung  
** _Hyung, I’d never do that_ _  
_ _What’s wrong?_

Everything seems to be wrong. 

**Johnny**  
_He’s ignoring my messages_ _  
_ _Not even ignoring them he just opened our chat and_ _  
_ _left me on read_

 **Doyoung**  
_Maybe he was busy_ _  
_ _You’re too anxious, you need to relax_

**Johnny**  
_I know I am but I can’t helpt it_

**Doyoung**  
_Talk to him in person_

That, Johnny knows, will be hard. Hard in the sense of hiding, acting. Johnny is used to it, and by now it’s just natural, but knowing Ten is mad at him yet not knowing _why_ is making his hands tremble and his heart beat faster than a normal human. Seeing him in person, frowning, disappointed, is surely going to send him over the edge. And Johnny doesn’t want to finally snap, like a rubber band, doesn’t want it all to end like this. With no answers, without ever even trying. 

Luckily, he knows Ten’s schedule by heart, and waits for him outside the Dance Department, near where Doyoung and Johnny chatted the day before. It sends a small shiver down his spine, and, he ponders for a moment, the possibility that Ten was _there_ and heard it _all_. 

His heart beats so fast he has to gulp to keep it down, feeling his chest on the verge of bursting open. 

Ten walks out the building and Johnny approaches him.

“Hey, you—”

“Don’t talk to me.”

There are no words to describe the way his heart simply falls apart. In small pieces, like shards, they fall and never leave, inside his guts, sharp like needles. Every single corner of his body hurts, as if his heart exploded and ended up dispersed everywhere. The edges of it pierce through him every time he moves or talks, and it leaves such an emptiness within, Johnny feels like his words echo around.

“Ten, wait,” he says, choked up, tears well up, but Johnny is stronger. Johnny is strong. Johnny is brave.

Johnny is a coward. 

Because Ten walks away, and it feels like watching the kid that once was giving him the cold shoulder, pouting and pushing him away, it’s as if he’s seeing his entire life walking past him, disregarding his existence, an untroubled expression. 

It’s more than a heartbreak, it’s falling. A drastic fall, from an airplane, blindly, without a parachute on. Not falling in love, falling to a void of guilt and dejection. Johnny doesn’t know if he will ever recover.

Because if Ten knows, then it’s over.

  
-

Kun is the most supportive person Johnny has ever known. 

He understands, listens, and gives good advice that sometimes even works. So, now, it’s Doyoung, Kun and Johnny sitting on a table waiting for Kun to talk.

“Mhh,” he nods, soaking all the information up, “so, Johnny-hyung you talked to Doyoung outside the Dance Department the day before?”

“I did, he probably heard it all and hates me,” Johnny confirms and then places his head in between his folded arms. 

“But Doyoung, weren’t you sure he would be somewhere else?” Kun asks. Doyoung’s lips form a straight line.

“I mean, I was sure, but now I don’t know,” he replies, scratching the back of his head. Having to see Doyoung nervous is something Johnny never thought he’d have the privilege of witnessing, but he is, and at his worst moment. 

“And Ten ignored you completely?” 

Johnny nods.

Kun thinks for a moment, and then purses his lips. “I have no idea what Ten might be thinking.”

“You could talk to him…” Johnny suggests, which then realizes is a bit egoistic from him, because he’s already getting two of their shared friends involved in this drama that should be fixed by himself only. He cause all of this, it’s _his_ mistake. “Nevermind, I’ll just try to—deal with it on my own.”

“Not on your own, but…” Kun says, “you’re the one that should be talking to him.”

“He ignored me, via text and in person, I don’t know _what_ to do.” 

“Intercept him,” proposes Doyoung, “you know his schedule, show him you’re there and willing to talk. You know that’s what Ten likes.”

Johnny glares at him for a moment, realizing the double meaning of Doyoung’s suggestion, doing what Ten likes to catch his attention. Kun smiles, and the whole situation seems a bit smaller than before, at least for a moment. 

“Thank you, guys,” he says, sincerely, from the bottom of his shattered heart. “I’ll try to talk to him.”

Turns out, it’s impossible to find Ten. No matter where Johnny waits for him, Ten never shows up, he doesn’t walk by, doesn’t mix in a crowd, he seemingly just vanishes. And the anxiety begins eating Johnny alive. 

_Is he disgusted? Is he hurt by it? Does he see Johnny as a mere liar?_

But most importantly, _what does he think of Johnny now?_

Then, he’s crashing against someone in the middle of the street. And destiny works in wonderful ways, so once Johnny looks up and finds Ten in front of him, he thanks every existing God in the universe for placing Ten in his path. Ten immediately frowns. 

(He looks like a mad kitten. Cute, small. Johnny hates that those thoughts still appear inside his mind. He feels more than dirty). 

“Get out of my way,” he mumbles, standing up and dusting his pants off. Every word is another fragment of his heart moving inside his guts. A sharp pain that runs all the way up his body. 

“What’s wrong with you?” Finally, Johnny holds onto him and faces him. It’s harder than he thought. Ten looks devastated.

“What’s wrong with _you?_ Asshole.”

Johnny is lost. “What?”

“Got something to tell me?”

He can feel his hands shaking so he pulls away and stands straight, staring down at Ten and then looks up at the sky, searching for anything to distract himself with while his insides set on fire. 

“No? I—uh, Ten, listen,” he starts, then stutters, then attempts to begin again but there’s a lump in his throat that doesn’t let any words out. The need to throw up overwhelms him.

“I won’t listen to your bullshit, go cry to Doyoung about it,” he mumbles and walks past him, purposely bumping their shoulders together. 

So Johnny cries, in the middle of the street, holding the remainings of his broken heart in his hands, full on display.

Shattered, defeated, crushed. Johnny is not even ashamed once he gets home and cries hugging the pillow Ten likes so much. 

-

Johnny remembers their first fight at the age of twelve.

Ten was a mischievous kid (as he’s a mischievous adult, now), and would constantly tease him and hide his toys so Johnny had to look for them as a game. 

One time, though, Ten forgot where he hid a certain toy that Johnny loved, one his grandmother had gifted him for his ninth birthday. He pouted and asked for forgiveness, admitting that he couldn’t even recall the place he put it in. Johnny cried hard, in front of him, unashamed. 

“Sorry, I’m sorry hyung! Don’t cry!” Tears streamed down his face as Ten hugged him, patting his hair like a dog. He was sobbing, too, but tried hard to make Johnny smile. “Don’t be sad, _hyungie_.” 

“I’m not sad,” Johnny had mumbled, sniffling and rubbing his nose. “I just want it back.”

“We will find it! I’m sure!” Ten exclaimed, a smile on his face, and Johnny remembers that he smiled back because Ten’s mere presence was enough happiness for him. 

They went and looked for it together, as the tears that Johnny once shed dried up on his cheeks. Ten mocked him because of his red nose, and Johnny smiled because he did look like _Rudolph_. Ultimately, they never found it, but Johnny felt so much better he forgave Ten two hours after, with the promise of staying by his side forever.

“If my toy is not here, then you will have to replace him!” 

Ten had nodded eagerly, hugging Johnny once again. “I will stay by your side forever.”

As an adult, Johnny now realizes that words have different meanings. That forever is _occasionally_ , that love is a fleeting feeling, that friends come and go, and that soulmates don’t exist, definitely. He knows, now, that Ten won’t be by his side forever. 

And, that, this is what growing up is. 

-

Doyoung helps him get back on his feet. 

It’s been two days since he last talked to Ten, since their encounter, since Ten left and broke his promise. It’s been two days since Johnny’s chest became an empty chamber. 

“C’mon, let’s go,” Doyoung says, encouragement in his voice, and places a hand on his back. “You can’t live in this library.”

“I can,” he mumbles, head still buried in his arms, “and I will.”

“You have two classes left today, and attendance is important, this is not school,” God, Doyoung’s motherly speeches are something that Johnny really appreciates, but is not too fond of right now.

“I don’t care about attendance,” he replies, “I care about not wanting to see my best friend _despising_ me.”

“C’mon, hyung, he doesn’t despise you.” 

Johnny only looks up to stare fixedly at him and narrow his eyes. “Are you sure? Because I’m pretty sure he called me an asshole.”

“Well, if from his point of view you are an asshole, then it’s not strange from him to straight up call you that,” Doyoung reasons, “but you don’t know his point of view.”

“But he doesn’t wanna talk! How am I supposed to see his point of view?” 

“Insist.”

Sometimes Doyoung is not the best confidant. But his advice seems to be the only way. 

“You think so?”

“You know how Ten is, he’s probably mad because of something that happened four years ago and wants you to apologize, to be after him,” Doyoung answers conclusively, and then corrects himself, “be after him as a friend, of course.”

He makes it worse.

“I know, I know how he is, but what if he found out? And I spam him and I just worsen it?”

“Then you can finally stop assuming and try to fix it being aware of what you did wrong,” Doyoung replies, “you’re in the dark right now, you don’t even know what’s going trough his mind.”

It’s always been hard to know what Ten is thinking. He’s complex, loves poetry and metaphors, and only shows his real feelings in an adequate situation. Now he’s mad, and guessing _why_ , will be a undoable task. 

“It’s impossible,” Johnny insists, still hiding his face from Doyoung and the rest of the empty library.

“Everything is possible if you—”

“I know, I know.”

“Then stop acting like teenagers and talk to him.”

As always (or, most of the time), Doyoung is right. It’s futile to be avoiding each other, not replying to messages, pretending the other doesn’t exist. Johnny knows he should walk up to Ten and _talk_ , but thinking about it already makes his chest hurt. 

**Johnny  
** _We need to talk  
S _ _top avoiding me  
_ _We’re adults_

 **Ten  
** _ok  
_ _meet me outside_

That single message is enough to have his lungs malfunctioning, air not being enough, causing his hands to shake. Johnny can’t pinpoint the moment Ten started having such impact on him, physically and mentally. He guesses it has been a gradual, slow build up. 

Now it’s collapsing.

The moment Johnny arrives, in front of the main building, that ancient fountain in the middle of the square, he stands straight and waits for Ten to appear magically in front of him. Instead, someone tap his shoulder, and as he turns, it all collapses inside Johnny’s body. 

“Wanted to talk?” Ten says. Johnny missed his voice.

“Yeah, please.”

They sit on a bench that’s been recently renewed, so Johnny doesn’t fear for its integrity on he’s fully seated. Ten stares at him, expectantly. 

And, what is Johnny supposed to say?

“I really don’t get why you’re suddenly mad at me,” he starts, “just say it. Please. You know I’m as straightforward as you.”

“I know, hyung,” Johnny’s body begins to freeze, starting from his legs to his arms. “I know you like someone.”

Time stops. It’s as if Johnny manually pauses that single second to analyze in detail that sentence. Ten said someone. And Johnny doesn’t like someone, he likes _Ten_. 

“What?” Now he doesn’t act, he frowns at Ten with a puzzled expression. 

“I heard you talking to Doyoung! Out of all people, you told Doyoung you like someone before you told me! That’s the worst thing you could do to a best friend!” 

Johnny is sure the entirety of their university heard Ten’s speech, all vehement and raging. But, for the first time in almost four days, Johnny can exhale and allow new air into his lungs, completely filled. It’s a misunderstanding, and Ten is still mad, glowering at him. 

“Oh,” it’s all Johnny manages to say, “you heard that?”

“Yes, and you told him you’re in _love_ , hyung. How could you not tell me first?” Ten continues with that same tone, an intense one, “you always tell me love is meaningful for you. So of course I’m mad! Were you even going to tell me?”

“I—uh, well,” Johnny can’t say anything. Can’t tell the truth, can’t lie to him. Can’t do anything. 

“God, I’m so mad! You like someone!” It gets louder, and Johnny gestures for him to keep it down, but Ten turns around and faces away from him. “I won’t talk to you until you tell me.”

“I like.... It’s from a play,” Johnny finally says. He hates himself for lying. He hates himself for having to lie. “Doyoung and I were practicing, because the girl who was supposed to be the main character along Doyoung is sick so… We were, uh, practicing his script.”

There’s silence.

“For real?”  
  
“Yeah, but Doyoung hasn’t told anyone he’s in a play, so… Don’t feel bad, uh, yeah,” he stutters so much he’s sure his face must be a scarlet red by now. Ten doesn’t seem to be as angry as before. 

“Okay, so—you’re not in love?”

Johnny is deeply in love. Johnny is in love with the person who’s asking _him_ if he’s in love.

“It was just a script,” see, Johnny attempts to avoid lying, he diverges the conversation, changes topic, but tries not to lie. It weighs heavily in his conscience. 

“Sorry,” Ten begins. Johnny already feels guilty, “God, I’m an asshole. Sorry I overreacted. I felt kinda… left out? Y’know?” 

“It’s okay, but please tell me next time,” Johhny says, “I felt like I was losing you.”

“ _Noooo_ , hyung,” and then Ten hugs him. “You will never lose me, I promise.” 

He knows promises are meant to be broken, but Johnny believes him, he always does. 

Now when Johnny breathes, his chest expands fully. 

-

Things change, for some reason. 

Usually, Ten texts him a lot during the day when they’re apart, and then at night chats with whoever is on his hooking-up list. However, Ten continues talking to him during the day and night, and it drives Johnny a bit insane. 

**Ten**  
_i’m so sleeepyyyyy_ _  
_ _fuck this stupid essay_

 **Johnny**  
_Stop texting me and focus on it_ _  
_ _Dumbass_

 **Ten**  
_yourethe dumbbass_ _  
_ _and i like talking to you_ _  
_ _this paper can wait_

 **Johnny  
** _It can’t_ _  
_ _I can wait_

 **Ten**  
_but i don’t wanr you to wait!!-  
_ _what are you doign?_

 **Johnny  
** _Omw to the shower  
_ _And then finally sleep_

 **Ten  
** _oh without me ;))???;)_

Instantly, Johnny locks his phone and stares at the empty wall of his bedroom. His stomach churns. 

**Johnny**  
_Yes, because you have a paper due tomorrow  
_ _so go work on it_

**Ten  
** _ok  
_ _then after give me a reward_

**Johnny  
** _What?_

 **Ten  
** _god i gotta teach you how to sext someday_

He breathes, in and out, and patiently reminds himself that Ten has always been a flirt, that his hopes should stay below the ground. Hidden, inexistent. 

**Johnny**  
_Goodnight_

It’s impossible, his heart beats rapidly and his hands won’t stop sweating, even as he leaves his phone charging and enters the shower. All he can think about is Ten, his smile, his eyes, his voice, the way he types, the way he talks, how he dances and how he, sometimes, sings. Johnny’s thoughts are now conscious, and although he knows this will hurt in a few days, Johnny allows himself to fantasize. 

Ten’s lips are the last thing he recalls as he drifts off to sleep. 

-

“I’m bored,” Ten pouts, arms around him, head on his shoulder. Kun is trying hard not to show any emotions and Doyoung looks as amused as always. 

“Go talk to one of your boyfriends,” says Doyoung, mocking him.

“Shut the fuck up, _Doie_ ,” Ten replies, “oh, a certain someone was looking for you.”

Doyoung’s eyes snap open. “Where?”

“Just kidding,” he giggles, hiding behind Johnny’s arm. It hurts, but for now, Johnny only stares at him with a small smile on his lips. 

“I hate you,” Doyoun grumbles.

It’s so wholehearted, their interactions, that Johnny forgets for a moment that the person sitting beside him is his everlasting crush. 

“What are you doing today?” Ten asks, eyes fixed on Johnny, completely ignoring the rest of them. 

“Uh, nothing, I think,” bemused, he replies, and Doyoung chuckles lightly. 

“Wanna come over?”

Johnny feels so exposed he goes red.

“Yeah, ‘course.”

Both Kun and Doyoung stare at each other, mirroring their raised eyebrows. Ten checks his phone and quickly waves them off, with the excuse of having a sudden dance-crew-related meeting. 

“He’s weird,” says Kun, “he’s acting weird.” 

“He’s his normal self,” Johnny adds, “there was nothing weird about him.”

“Mhhh,” Doyoung places his chin on his hands, imitating a pensive face. Johnny is aware he’s not thinking about anything, but after a few seconds, his eyes go wide as if he just had an epiphany. “I think Ten is into you.”

Johnny full-on laughs. “You meant _onto_? Yeah, he’s about to find out I’ve been in love with him since I was fourteen.”

“ _Into_ , he’s attracted to you, he gave you those eyes just now before leaving,” Doyoung presses. It doesn’t even make Johnny feel hopeful, all he does is laugh. Until there are permanent crinkles at the edges of his eyes and tears threaten to fall. 

“I think Ten is very… open when he’s into someone,” Kun comments, while Doyoung tells Johnny to stop laughing and pay attention. 

“Yeah, and there’s _no_ chance,” he shakes his head with a smile on his face. Johnny feels pathetic. “Besides, why now?”

“I don’t know, but I can see right through him,” tapping on the surface of the table with his fingers, Doyoung continues theorizing, “he’s dumb. He’s oblivious, mostly, he could’ve reciprocated those feelings all this time but never have realized. Something changed, I just know it.”

Johnny sees Kun stifling a laugh, and he continues smiling as he watches Doyoung’s serious expression when he speaks.

“If you think so.”

-

Something changed. Doyoung was right. 

Because now there’s some kind of tension in between them that wasn’t there before, and it’s unbearable. 

Johnny walks into his room and finds Ten already sprawled out in his bed, bored, scrolling through his phone. It’s such a domestic sight, it hurts deeply inside. (Because it also has been a while since Ten slept over like this, for no reason, no heartbreaks, no favours). 

“I see you made yourself at home already,” he points it out. Ten gazes at him and smirks. 

“As always.”

God, it all turns his insides into pure mush. His voice, his expression. Johnny gazes back, allowing some of his true emotions out. Lust, love, passion. He knows Ten is receiving it. Now it’s out.

Ten goes back to his phone. Johnny breathes. 

“I’m gonna go shower,” Johnny announces, Ten nods but doesn’t look away from his phone, so Johnny rummages through his wardrobe in search of clean clothes. “Do you wanna shower next?”

“We could save water…”

“You’re so—God, I’ll shower quickly, pick a movie to watch,” and so Johnny locks himself in his bathroom and processes the situation about twenty times before he opens the faucet and lets the water flow freely. He wants that, yearns for that. To let out his feelings like an open faucet, confess to Ten his sins, his thoughts, his genuine emotions. 

Once he’s out, a towel around his waist, water droplets falling from his hair onto his chest and down his body, he freezes when he notices Ten is wearing one of his shirts. It’s big on him, extremely, and his hands barely stick out to hold his phone. It makes him stop dead in his tracks. 

(And it’s not like it hasn’t happened before. They are best friends. Ten wore Johnny’s clothes plenty of times, but teenage sleepovers don’t have the same meaning as adult ones). 

“Damn,” Ten comments, facing him, “This is the start of a bad _porno_.”

For the first time in days, Johnny laughs, carefreely. 

“Shut up,” he mumbles, “you’re the one making it sexual.”

“You’re the only coming out the shower looking like _that_ ,” Ten counters.

Now, now the air is thick. Now it’s not nervousness that makes his chest tighten, now it’s purely a tension that doesn’t come from him. It’s a blanket, it covers them, slowly, and Johnny doesn’t reply because not even his thoughts make sense at the moment. 

Ten is the one that makes bad decisions, and Johnny is the one that follows suitly. 

“Let’s drink,” he proposes, “for the old days.”

And Johnny can’t say no to that. 

He brings out a vodka that he bought once he was sad and needed to just space out (but regretted it once he smelled it), and Ten claps contently, already grabbing the shot glass from the top. 

“Don’t drink too much, dumbass,” Johnny says, opening the bottle, watching as Ten’s eyes shine brightly. 

“I won’t. Promise,” he responds, eagerly pouring himself a shot, “besides, you are here to take care of me.”

That, Johnny can’t negate. He always did, always does, always will do, because Ten is his best friend and Johnny is in a committed relationship with taking care of him. 

Once the first shot is gulped down by Ten, Johnny fears for his own sanity. “Your turn.”

“Do I need to drink? Can we just watch the movie?”

“The movie is better if you’re drunk,” Ten says.

So Johnny reasons, why not, and fills himself a shot, swallowing it in one go. Then it’s a back -and-forth motion. They share the shot glass and Johnny loses count of the amount of indirected kisses there were, but at some points, his thoughts stop being so present, and they start wandering. The movie, that plays infinitely in front of him, seems like the most uninteresting thing in the world.

Ten drinks and watches attentively. “Look at this part, it’s so trippy.”

The plot was something about hacking into someone’s mind, something that Johnny couldn’t comprehend even before being drunk, and now that he’s starting to be, watching a whole city turn upside down doesn’t make much sense to him. 

But Johnny knows his limits, and doesn’t touch the bottle again once his eyelids begin dropping (because he’s a sleepy drunk). Ten, who is the worst kind of drunk, continues gulping down shots of vodka that by now should feel like water to him. 

Then, it begins.

“You know, I love this thing,” he says, “I love dreams. They are so weird but so interesting, y’know, our minds make up this whole world for us to explore every single night. How is that even possible?”

Johnny only nods, and lays back on the bed. He closes his eyes and Ten punches his shoulder.

“Don’t fall asleep!” Ten exclaims, pouting (or at least that’s what Johnny discerns with only one eye open). “The movie is about to end.”

“I know the end.”

“You do? You watched it before?”

“Yeah, we fall asleep.”

Ten hits him again. Johnny laughs. He feels free, for once, and then remembers this is only ephemeral. 

“I don’t want to lose this,” Johnny mumbles, “I don’t wanna lose you.”

He can see Ten pouting again, this time laying down beside him, head on his shoulder. His heart beats erratically, but it doesn’t bother him now. Ten can probably hear, and he doesn’t _mind_. 

“You won’t lose me,” he promises, “never ever. I’m yours.”

That last part becomes an echo. It bounces around his head, his heart, his entire being. It stays etched in his brain, forever. Johnny looks down at Ten and sees him already staring at him, eyes dark and full of stars. He loves him, so much. 

“You know I love you, right?” Ten asks.

Johnny can only nod. His tongue sits heavy in his mouth. 

“Because I love you, and you’re the best thing that happened to me,” he continues, “and I’m so mad that I didn’t see it before. I was so mad you were in love with someone.”

Although Johnny’s body is limp on the bed and he’s drunk and worn out, he looks at Ten wide-eyed and expectant. He’s sure he heard wrong.

“What do you mean?”

“ _Hyuuuuung_ , how did you not realize?” He asks. Johnny feels his blood pressure skyrocketing. “I was so mad that you didn’t tell me but so jealous of that person that got to have you after them.”

“Ten, you’re too drunk, let’s—”

“You’re the best thing that happened to me. I want to marry you, and kiss you, and—”

His words get muffled by Johnny’s hand. He won’t allow it. 

“Nope, you’re off to sleep, c’mon,” he guides him under the blanket as Ten whines. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I think I’m in love with you, hyung,” he mumbles, sleepy, head on top of Johnny’s arm. Like that, he falls asleep, a smile on his face. 

Johnny’s heart is so full it might break his ribcage at any moment. 

-

They don’t talk about it, or well, Johnny doesn’t talk about it. 

He wakes up the next day with Ten complaining about the worst headache he’s ever had, so Johnny give his an aspirin and some water. The words he uttered the night before haunt him, gnawing a the back of his mind, but Johnny ignores it. Ignores that small light of hope that turns on and illuminates the part of his heart where there was only emptiness and pain.

Johnny doesn’t allows himself to be hopeful.

 **Johnny**  
_Ten told me he’s in love with me whle drunk last night_ _  
_ _What does that mean?_

 **Kun**  
_That he’s in love with you_ _  
_ _????_

**Johnny**  
_But he was drunk_

**Kun**  
_That only makes it more real_

_ヾ(＠^∇^＠)ノ_

**Johnny**  
_That’s impossible_

Like a mantra, he repeats it to himself, _impossible, impossible, impossible._ Until Ten walks into the kitchen as he’s making coffee and clears his throat.

“Uhm,” Ten starts, “I said some stuff last night.”

Johnny doesn’t even turn around, remains frozen with a mug in his hand. 

“And I don’t regret it hyung, so, if this isn’t—if you’re uncomfortable I can leave,” he finally says. It’s _impossible_. 

“Ten,” in a serious, dead tone, he utters, “please tell me you’re just joking around.”

“Why would I even do that?” Ten seems to be getting a bit impatient, so Johnny fully turns around and leaves the mug on the kitchen counter, just in case. “I know this is ruining our friendship—”

For the first time in his life, Johnny is brave enough to say the words. To say it, to his face, looking into his eyes. 

“I’ve been in love with you my entire life.”

Ten’s mouth drops, and although he’s standing at the other end of the room, Johnny can see his cheeks glowing. 

“Hyung…”

“Yeah, I’m ridiculous, I know, but you can’t just say that—”

Then Ten is taking two big and decisive steps towards him, cornering him, faces inches apart. Not even a second passes before their lips are softly touching for the first time. It feels like the last piece of a puzzle, slotting his mouth into Ten’s, like a dream come true, like falling and landing on a pillow made of feathers, jumping off an airplane and staring at the where he will land safely. It’s everything Johnny wanted, wished for, and more. Ten’s lips are eager, but remain moving slowly, testing the waters. Johnny wants it all now. 

Johnny once thought kissing Ten at least once would be enough, would satisfy his needs, but now that he does, he never wants to stop. Wants to kiss him forever, wants to stay in this moment forever. Freeze time, stop it. Enjoy every slide and every sound. 

“Doyoung was never in a play,” Ten mutters. Johnny stays fixated on his glistening lips. “I found out a few days after.”

“And you… knew?”

“I guessed,” he says. “I took the chance.”

“You’re brave.”

Ten kisses him. “I’m your best friend.

At that, Johnny raises one eyebrow. 

“And boyfriend.”

The first time Johnny gets his heart put back together is at the age of twenty-one. 

**Author's Note:**

> [if you want to commission me all the info is here!!!](https://twitter.com/ten__wv/status/1241880594625200128?s=21)


End file.
